Nickelback: Canada’s Declaration of War on America

I’ve had it.

Nickelback is probably the worst thing our neighbors to the north have done to us since forcing Celine Dion down our throats. They’ve been peddling their crummy psychological terrorism across our hallowed borders for too long, and I say it’s time to take a stand.

We have to take a step back and realize that this “band” has been around for 20 years. That’s twenty straight years of complete douchery.

I know I’m not alone in saying this:

If I hear that damn “Photograph” song again while I’m trying to enjoy a cold beverage with, or without a friend at one of many bars around town, I’m going to explode.

It’s kind of amazing to me that a band that started out trying to sound just like Nirvana, ended up sounding like… well… Nickelback. They’re the new low benchmark.

Let’s take a walk down Terrible Lane and look back at the history of a band that sells millions of records, yet no one admits their love for.

Blatant Nirvana ripoff? Yes. The above single came out in 1996. Listening to it now, I’d have to say it’s their best song. That’s not a hard thing to do when putting it up against all of the other tripe they’ve released that’s been force-fed to us normal folk when visiting the local watering hole.

Next up? This gem.

The only thing that’s enjoyable about this video to me, is during the second half of it when the local riot police are using fire hoses in an effort to put out this horrible dumpster fire before it gets out of hand and adopts a scorched earth policy leaving nothing but sadness and bedazzled jeans in its wake. I assume they were all fired for lack of completing the aforementioned mission.

With this next “effort”, they manage to shed the wannabe Alice In Chains vibe they had with “Leader of Men”, and instead go with something that sounds like it should have been on the list of rejects for Bush’s sophomore album that’s called something I don’t care enough to remember. The production quality on this is so incredibly bad… I hear things that 16 year old kids are doing in their garages now that sound better than this auditory vomit. The worst part? We haven’t yet scratched the surface of the suck.

This is truly when we all became the butt of the joke. I’m still not sure who’s telling it, but we’re all still waiting for the punchline. The story line proposed in this video seems to be that his attractive, seemingly forever nude apparent ex-girlfriend is haunting his dreams. According to ESTEEMED FRONT-MAN Chad Kroeger, the song was about an ex-girlfriend pointing out all of his flaws and breaking his heart. Well please, Chad… do us all a favor and give us her name so we can put the trolls of the web to good use and scold her for doing so until the end of time. If she hadn’t been such a gosh darned meanie to you… we wouldn’t have had this account of how tough you had it. I’m also pretty sure the world would be a bit better for it.

Fun fact: This atrocity of a song was the most played song during the first DECADE of the 21st century.

That’s embarrassing, humanity.
Either way, we need to move on. There are clearly more pressing matters to get to… right?

Right. Like this beauty.

Let’s recognize a real problem for once, right? These lyrics are pretty sad in that it’s all about domestic violence and it’s from the point of view of a child with an abusive father, and a mother who eventually shoots her husband in self-defense. How could I possibly have a problem with this? Well, first off, if you’re going to have a song with such a powerful message, you should probably back it up with something other than a concert video with pyrotechnics and cheering. Also, you’ve got to take into account that this song is supposed to carry a point of respecting women and treating them well. I’m pretty sure that the next few videos will quickly debunk their need to do that.

Also, I think this is the point during which they all decided to start wearing the diamond encrusted, acid washed jeans along with that bass player who suddenly enjoys his cowboy hat. Ah, yes. The early 2000’s.

Oh, let’s not forget this diamond in the rough… “Hero” by Nickelback, with a super-special guest appearance by that guy from that band no one remembers. Saliva? Yeah I suppose they were a thing.

Did you think that Spider-Man would get any worse than Tobey Maguire’s acting? Well, you guessed it. It could. Chad Kroeger really gave us a treat in this obviously over produced song that reeks of a poorly paid production team in a basement office of whatever record label they discredited around 2002.

Also, it should be mildly depressing to those of you that have stayed with me through this point to know that we’re only to 2002. There’s still 13 years of their music. I won’t be going over each song, because you probably haven’t heard them before, and you shouldn’t hear them ever again. Some are just too bad not to share. If you have made it this far and are wondering why I’m being negative about your favorite band, please close this window and never darken our virtual doorstep again.

If I had an official enemy, it’d be this song personified. Each member of this band deserves to be socked square in the gut for putting this out.

According to an EXTREMELY REPUTABLE WEBSITE (www.songfacts.com), the song is “about reviewing the memories – missed and forgotten – from the band’s childhood. It expresses the regret of things they neglected, such as their schoolwork, and the loved memories from their favorite personal landmarks”.

So they’re wishing they got better grades on their tests, and telling us about an old arcade. Cool. It’s good to know that in deciding to go down memory lane with their bros about what they used to do in Alberta, that we had to be subjected to commercials, radio, and public places being filled with people singing along to “Look at this photograph… every time I do it makes me laugh…”. Poetic.

I’d rather listen to this version.

Moving on…

As a native and current Houstonian, I’m embarrassed to see Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top, and Paul Wall of that 832 in this video. It’s a crying shame that they agreed to this, although I’m holding out complete judgement for lack of knowing how much they got paid to be in this travesty of a music video.

Nickelback does a good job of countering their presence with Chuck Liddell, Gene Simmons, and plenty of other people I could care less about including a man who’s really into his noodles.

Wayne Gretzky, Kid Rock, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. really round out this celebrity cast of buffoons. At 2:55, we find the real candidate for “Rockstar”… Grant Hill and Ted Nugent? I don’t think I need to point any more of this out. It’s horrible. Next.

It’s hard to believe that mankind has been burdened with this pile of garbage for seven years now. This is a good example of what I was alluding to earlier when we were taught to respect women with “Never Again”.

Apparently this is more their… uh… style.

This according to the lyrical genius, himself:

That was the first song we worked on for the record. We were in Sweden and went over a bunch of material with our producer, Mutt Lange, and he wanted to get to a rocker. I’ve got this phrase: ‘You look so much cuter with something in your mouth.’ He thought that was perfect and was like, ‘Let’s start with that one right there.’ So we just went off and just wrote this silly rock song that’s got this great groove to it, and away we went. I wanted to get into grabbing someone’s attention and holding it. Sometimes, there are a couple of moments within the record where parents might be going, ‘What? This has to come out of the minivan.’ But I think we’re at the point now where we have to grab people’s attention.

Yeah. I’m pretty sure the parents in your scenario wouldn’t be the type to take it out of the minivan. If they’re listening to this in the first place, they’re definitely training their children to do the same. This is why we have problems.

Would it surprise you to know that the next 6 years of their illustrious career sounds like a very long light beer commercial?

Me either.

This is what it’s all about / No one can slow us down / We ain’t gonna stop until the clock runs out /
Hell can’t handle all of us / So get your bottles up / Drinkin’ every drop until it all runs out.

Super. We could all be so lucky to have you around until the end of the foreseeable future. The only thing this song does is remind me that after listening to it, I need a drink. Not because you made me want to party, but because I need to medicate after listening to it.

This is one of the latest videos from their canon of excellence. It’s a beautifully auto-tuned song that appears to bring it all back to a positive message of being nice to old ladies and paying it forward. How can this be taken even remotely seriously with such an exemplary musical past?

I’m frankly surprised that during their 20-year reign of Canadian terror, a member of our Federal Government hasn’t taken a stand against such blatant horror in the music industry… but hey… we’ve got Creed, and they’re next.

If you thought it couldn’t get any worse than any of the previously mentioned train wrecks, here’s a video of two Nickelback songs playing at the same time.

It’s funny how they sound almost the same…

That’s because they’re good.  So good.

Ugh… Never Again.