Like for anyone who grew up in the 1980s, it’s a magnificent struggle whenever I try and tell one of my children about what life was like during that era of time. We seem, on the surface, to have so little in common; for instance, today’s modern youth is afraid of climate change and their cell phones running out of battery. In the 1980s we were afraid of nuclear war and our own mullets, perched ever so gently on top of our heads and giving us that feathered look.
Mullets did not lend themselves to a great deal of selfie taking.
Then you describe a typical weekend night, and watching them try and wrap their minds around the concept of going to an actual video store to rent a VHS tape, and heads begin to explode. But for us, it was the norm, and it generally meant one of two things: one, we were going to watch a story about insanely stupid teenagers getting butchered by a serial killer, or we were going to watch a story about insanely stupid teenagers trying to get lucky.
What's better for romance: Led Zeppelin or Duran Duran?
Either way, it usually meant some level of nudity was involved, so it was good to be a straight dude. Anyway…
The reigning champion of 1980s sex comedies was unquestionably Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the great screenwriter Cameron Crowe’s unusually intelligent entry into the genre. The moment that stood out to so many of us was a subtly simple one: Mike Damone (played by Robert Romanus) tells Mark Ratner (Brian Backer) that as part of his 5-point plan to woo a girl, he uses music.
“When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.”
Lives were changed. Worlds shattered. Teenage boys everywhere, desperate to get their groove on, began bringing out Plant, Page, and friends in the hopes of getting some lip-smacking action. And honestly, it’s hard to argue anything bad about that choice. To this day, I’m still not sure that any one side of an album is better than Zep 4. Look at that lineup! It’s a tower of greatness!
“Black Dog” leads off, Plant’s bellowing about how his lady moves jarring our eardrums and libidos to immediate life. Then John Bonham’s drums power us into “Rock And Roll,” reminding us that not only was that band stacked from top-to-bottom, but that he could make anyone on the planet air-drum without them thinking about it.
Jimmy Page’s mandolin skills carry us into ”The Battle of Evermore,” a rare moment when a band took a book that it was reading and transformed it into an anthem. And finally…
“Stairway to Heaven.” The song that plenty of critics would go to their graves swearing is the greatest rock composition ever written.and produced. Put them together and you could defend this as the best side of an album ever to see a turntable. I can't argue against that.
Except… in this case. Because romantic, I gotta say, this particular piece is not. Indeed. It’s kind of the opposite. You can get caught up singing along to Zep 4 really easily, preventing you from using your lips for anything else. So what really is the best album for getting a good make out going?
Side two of Duran Duran’s underrated masterpiece Big Thing.
Side one of Big Thing is full of tasty pop confections, LeBon and company putting forth some terrific work. But side two made you sit up and take notice. This wasn’t the same ol’ stuff from the boys. Instead, they went into experimental mode, and it was amazing to listen to it.
The first song on side two is “Do You Believe in Shame?,’ a smooth concoction that suggested that it was maybe just time for you and your date to do some shameful things in shameful ways. For those four and a half minutes, you definitely did NOT believe in shame.
Next up is “Palomino,” which is a breathy, mellow, slow hip-movement piece that is elevated by the way the lyrics describe the woman at the center of the song. “Scent of burnt sugar on her skin.” YUMMY. And that back beat… never too fast, and not at all furious. It made sex sound like the ultimate slow dance and if that doesn’t make for a perfect make out song, I don’t know what does.
After “Interlude One” comes the six-minute epic “Land,” This one also sees the band trying something different, using fresh sounds and deft lyrics (“Love is life, and love is pain”) to take the listener on a journey deep inside the human heart. And just when you’re appreciating those final notes, they segue into “Flute interlude”! Far from being a novelty moment, it instead sets the table for the final brilliance to come.
Part one is the near- acapella poetry of “The Edge of America.” LeBon’s plea of “Hey boy, give those dreams a rest. If you’re tired of searching, this is where it ends. There’s nothing left to lose and nothing to protest. Learn to love your anger now, anger here is all you possess” may be the best set of lyrics the band ever put to music.
And it slides brilliantly into the final track, the wordless, driving, pounding, building to a climax “Lakeshore Driving.” Good albums should end with a crescendo and a flourish.
So should good make out sessions.
How about the rest of you? Did Zep 4 do the trick? Or did you find something else that became your “lucky album”?