The 1980s were a fun decade. It began with the blooming of New Wave and ended with a dud. But a lot of the decade was fine, and at least it led into the excellent grunge of the early 1990s.
Still, while much of the '80s music was poppy and campy fun, some of the best-selling tracks were terrible. No shock here, but they still remain awful. We've aged well, right? The songs aged even worse.
The musical crime involved below also includes two all-time greats. Heck, several of them do, but let's start with the Michael Jackson and former Beatles member collaboration.
5 great-selling songs from the 1980s that never deserved to be
"The Girl is Mine" - Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney (1982)
This was a terrible idea, whoever came up with it. Let's assume in reality it was Jackson's. He always wanted to be bigger than the Beatles, and what better way of doing that than getting some help from one of them. Did Jackson sell tons of records? Sure. But unlike the Beatles, his legacy is tainted.
The issue with this tune is that it just feels icky. Jackson and McCartney are fighting over a girl. Ew. But the track lacks complexity and feels out of place on Thriller. If you really must hear a McCartney and Jackson tune, check out "Say Say Say."
"Kokomo" - The Beach Boys (1988)
This can't be one of those articles that states the Beach Boys must have quit music after the early 1970s, but no matter the era, "Kokomo" was horrific. It lacks the genius of Brian Wilson's earlier tracks, and this feels like an attempt for the group to chart. It was transparent and poor.
The lyrics are basic and unimaginative, and that the general public bought it only makes the situation sadder. We deserved better, and the Beach Boys had previously delivered that.
"I Can't Drive 55" - Sammy Hagar (1984)
Hagar has made a living out of trying to be popular. What might be surprising to some is that when this track was released in 1984, he had already released eight studio albums. The reason he wasn't better known is that he created fluffy songs that had no long-lasting emotional connection.
Even the title to this track is dated. 55? That seems slow now. Hagar has a decent voice, though far from great. He made a gimmicky song, and it did well. He also helped ruin Van Halen.
"Separate Lives" - Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin (1985)
Oh, Phil. What happened here? This was during a period of time when Collins was leaving behind a unique Genesis/early Collins albums sound for much more pop. Maybe Collins just wanted to make a lot of money, and he did that, but he lost some of his artistic integrity.
The lyrics are bad enough on this tune, but the delivery is even worse. This stanza, "Ooh, it's so difficult, love leads to isolation/So you build that wall (you build that wall)/Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)/And you make it stronger," is not only wretched but demanding at the same time. The people involved in the lyrics deserve to live different lives.
"Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car" - Billy Ocean (1988)
Had Ocean kept the title at "Get Outta My Dreams," maybe things would be fine. As it is, if you don't listen to the horrible song, the title alone sounds like one person is victimizing another. It's supposed to be fun, but it's dumb.
The real victims are those who were forced to listen to this track over and over on the radio. Ocean probably made a bunch of money off of it, though. He better have. It was his last song to chart higher than 35 in the United States.