If there was ever an oxymoron to rival the famous examples of "jumbo shrimp," "deafening silence," or open secret," it's the term for one of the worst of all music genres: soft rock. I mean, what is that? Well, if you really want to know, these are five of the worst offenders ever.
Rock music isn't soft. If it was meant to be soft, Cleveland DJ Alan Freed would have called it hush and mush, or silk and milk, or something else equally horrific. If you weren't sure why the Rock and Roll Museum is in Cleveland, read a bit more about Mr. Freed and his role in promoting music that "all the kids like."
As for the abomination of soft rock, I've already gone on the record regarding the sickening travesty of Chicago's transformation from one of the hottest jam bands ever to a factory of bubble gum putrescence. Believe me, Mr. Cetera, I couldn't leave fast enough. Thankfully, I still have those early albums when they actually played rock music. If you liked Chicago 19 - which was at least a dozen albums too many - you'll love these five bands.
Five soft rock bands with the driving impact of a feather
It's a bit odd that the soft rock phenomenon was spawned in the 1970s. In a decade dominated by artists as diversely creative as Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and David Bowie, among dozens of others, the decade just seemed to collectively sigh and give out one big "meh" after another. One particular week in 1975 truly epitomizes that ennui better than any other. I will admit that I'm a sucker for Minnie Ripperton. Again, you may love these bands...but...oh, never mind. Let's just get to it.
Air Supply
Just to show that we don't all share the same musical tastes, the duo from Australia has sold over 100 million albums. Even worse - or better, if you're a fan - they've put eight songs in the top five of Billboard's Hot 100 list. Yes, most of their hits came in the 1980s, but they scream the 1970s - or they would, if they ever raised their voices.
England Dan and John Ford Coley
This may come as a shock to you, but England Dan was actually from Texas. So was John Ford Coley, but at least he sounds like a gunfighter from El Paso. England Dan, that is, Dan Seals, was the younger brother of Jim Seals of Seals and Crofts. Their first two albums didn't catch on, but they did sell a couple of copies of "I'd Really Love to See You Tonight" for Atlantic subsidiary, Big Tree Records. A couple million, anyway.
Firefall
Now, how you get a band like Firefall from two former members of the Flying Burrito Brothers and the drummer for the Byrds is beyond me. Maybe the Merle Haggard covers were too edgy; I don't know. Regardless, the band got together in 1974 and had their biggest hit two years later from their eponymous debut album. You know, Firefall.
The Little River Band
What is it with these guys from Australia? This group paved the way for Air Supply and did pretty well for themselves, too. They opened for Queen on their first international tour and later, the Hollies. When they came to the U.S., they opened for the Average White Band. You know, another band with music nothing like soft rock. Still, with 30 million in album sales and 13 Top 40 hits in the U.S., somebody like them. Maybe you will, too.
Bread
Finally, we come to the band guaranteed to bring on adult-onset diabetes faster than a five-pound bag of sugar. The band released their first album in 1969 and toured for the first time that year too, opening for - wait for it - the Flying Burrito Brothers. Small world, or maybe a cursed one. Their debut album didn't do much, but their follow-up, On the Waters, featured their biggest hit ever, the chart-topping "Make It With You." A dozen more songs would chart on Billboard's Hot 100 in the decade, while 1972's Baby I'm-a Want You would be their top-selling album. Man, that's a lot of sugar.
I'll admit, when I was young, impressionable, and had terrible taste in music, I actually liked one of these songs. I mean, really liked it. Well, I still have terrible taste in music, but I'm never fessin' up to which of these I listened to with my girlfriend, all those centuries ago.