10 terrible number-one songs of the 1980s

5. “LEAN ON ME” – Club Nouveau (1987)

We are now entering a very particular portion of our list and it requires a brief explanation. Four of the bottom five songs come from the same impulse. By the middle of the 1980s, rock and roll had been the dominant musical genre for almost three decades. This resulted in a fairly predictable interest in looking back and putting what had come before into a modern context. This took some odd forms, as we shall see. But the primary avenue for this look backward was the cover song.

Bill Withers scored a number-one hit with his original composition “Lean on Me” in 1972. Though he would place three other singles in the top three, this was his only chart-topper. Withers’ original is as soulful as it gets, with a touch of funk livening up the arrangement in key moments. Its simple piano opening gives way to Withers’ humming and then we are off.

Fifteen years later, an R&B dance band from Sacramento, covered Withers’ song. They begin with that piano and for a brief moment, it sounds like Club Nouveau might be serving up a gospel rendition – a move that might have been interesting. Then, thirty seconds in, the song stops and a pre-fab synth and drum beat erases all the soul in Withers’ original.

Where Withers’ vocals were simplicity itself, these are as busy as possible. Where Withers had that piano and a hint of strings, the Nouveau way of doing it crams mechanized sounds into every part of the mix. It impressed the public and the Grammy voters. The song was voted the best R&B song of 1987. Enough said about the Grammys.

4. “TOGETHER FOREVER” – Rick Astley (1988)

If you think nothing could be worse than Rick Astley’s much-mocked “Never Gonna Give You Up,” I would suggest that a song that attempts to rip off “Never Gonna Give You Up” is just the thing to convince you otherwise. “Never Gonna Give You Up” was the unlikely blockbuster that held the top spot for two weeks in March of ’88, and three months later the writer/producer team of Stock Aitken Waterman caught lightning again with the very similar “Together Forever.” It only held onto number one for one week, which I suppose makes “Never Gonna Give You Up” twice as good.

The first song is clunky but that almost works with Astley’s stiff voice. “Together Forever,” which musically is virtually identical to his first hit, requires a bit more subtlety in its pitch shifts. Astley is utterly overmatched. The SAW production does him no favors. It’s as thin as possible. I can’t swear to this, but it does not sound like a single real musical instrument was anywhere near that recording studio. “Never Gonna Give You Up” at least had novelty on its side. “Together Forever” couldn’t even fall back on that.