10 terrible number-one songs of the 1980s

1. “STARS ON 45” – Stars on 45 (1981)

Let’s start this way: have you ever been listening to a radio station when one of those short trailers comes on? You know, where they play a line from some well-known song, then just as you are getting into it, it shifts to another line from a different song. They usually do it three times, and you realize, frustrated as you are, that they are not actually going to be playing any of those songs. It’s just a gimmicky promo for the station. Now, imagine almost ten minutes of nothing but that. And you begin to see the abomination of “Stars on 45.”

But it is so much more. From the cheesy opening synth and martial chorus shouting at you “LET’S DO IT!, we are in hell." Those drill sergeants scream at you a few more times – something about beating the clock – before an actual song begins.

For a few moments, we are in a regular disco song. It’s not a very good disco song, but at least there’s a melody and a rhythm and those guys aren’t yelling at you anymore. But that’s not the song. The song eventually morphs into a cover of “Funky Town.”

OK, bad cover, but at least it’s a good song, right? No, because then it becomes “Video Killed the Radio Star.” But only for a few seconds, before “Sugar Sugar” shows up for no discernable reason.

We are about three and a half minutes in and we figure, “I guess this is a random medley of songs.” But it isn’t. Because for the next three minutes, it’s all Beatles, all the time. Why three random songs followed by a half dozen Beatles songs? Sorry, science hasn’t been able to answer that one yet.

But never fear, there are still three minutes of more totally random songs to come. As if such jagged nonsense weren’t bad enough, please realize that these aren’t the original versions of any of these songs. They are poor imitations, all squeezed into an oppressive dance groove.

In my past lists, I have given gimmick songs a bit of a break because I figured songs like “Please Mr. Custer” and “Disco Duck” weren’t really trying to be anything more than parodies. But I can’t do that with Stars on 45 – either the band or the song. It’s just too awful. It’s enough to make you long for Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” another lamentable historical mishmash that was number one in the 1980s, but did not make this list. Not with Stars on 45 around.

Ah, the ‘80s. I hope that with this now out of my system, I can finally forgive you. At the very least, I can remember another New Kid. There was a Joey.

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