Absolutely awful number-one songs of the 2000s

1. “Thank God I Found You” by Mariah Carey (featuring Joe and 98 Degrees) (2000)

And with that clever segue, we come to the worst number-one song of the aughts. I can accept a reclassification of “Thank God I Found You” as the most disappointing number one, because of who it came from. Maybe I’m guilty of grading on a curve here. Mariah Carey against the likes of Taylor Hicks or Scott Stapp just isn’t a fair fight. She has more number ones than everyone on this list combined. She has sung a lot of excellent songs. She really should have done better.

I don’t need to reclassify though. I think “Thank God I Found You” is just a god-awful song. I mean, I would rather listen to the remix with Nas rapping and I think that’s a pretty terrible song too. It’s actually a huge mess where Mariah barely even shows up, but at least it has a bit of energy.

The version that went to number one does feature Mariah, but it is a sleepy Mariah. She is backed by an even sleepier 98 Degrees. I suppose Joe is OK, but I didn’t pop my quarter in the machine to hear Joe. This is a sing-song melody that tries to layer lots of voices and orchestral elements in an effort to find a spark. But even that is sabotaged by Mariah running up and down scales without much to really say. Then at the very end, it gets slow and quiet and just kind of peters out.

Earlier in 2000, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, who produced “Thank God I Found You,” scored a number-one hit with their frequent collaborator Janet Jackson. That song – “Doesn’t Really Matter” – isn’t exactly my favorite, but it is so much better than “Thank God…” that it’s hard to believe that the same producers could get so much life out of one track and suck the life out of another.

This is Mariah Carey’s worst chart-topper. It is Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis’ worst hit. And in a decade of divas – of Beyonce and Rihanna, of J. Lo and Britney – and of Mariah herself (I mean, she had what, a thousand other number ones?), it is the worst song of the aughts.

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