Absolutely awful number-one songs of the 2000s

5. “London Bridge” by Fergie (2006)

This is a little embarrassing. For a long time, I couldn’t distinguish between Fergie’s “London Bridge” and Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl.” There’d be times when I’d get one stuck in my head – because, I mean, both songs were hard to avoid twentyish years ago, and I’d find myself kind of humming along to one of them when it just morphed into the other.

I didn’t want to be humming either, of course, because they were both kind of generic dance numbers that wanted to sound feisty and fresh and just sound kind of forced. But I don’t have Stefani on this list and I do have Fergie in small part because I do prefer Hollaback’s lyrics, but more importantly, because it didn’t feel the need to stuff its busy groove with a bunch of guys continually bellowing out “Oh s**t” through the entire song. (If you heard the radio edit, you heard a different word there, but I don’t think hearing a bunch of guys shouting “Oh snap” is all that much better.)

We have entered the raunchy, vulgar part of our countdown. I’ll be saying more about that shortly, but for now, let me just say that “London Bridge” is designed to be sexy and seductive, and it is neither. It’s just a fussy production with an awkward transition from verse to chorus. And then in the middle, it gets even more confusing and messy. It’s a surprisingly thin groove (thus necessitating those anonymous guys shouting) with a disappointingly tuneless hook. Even an actual hollaback girl could tell you that.

Here's the thing. Three songs off Fergie’s solo debut, The Dutchess, hit number one. I like the two subsequent hits – “Glamorous” and “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” Especially “Glamorous.” And a couple of years later, she would be part of a group that would control the top of the charts for more than half of 2009. The Black Eyed Peas' “Boom Boom Pow” and “I’ve Got a Feeling” are fine with me.

Mindless songs are OK if they really lean into their groove. That’s “Boom Boom Pow” in a nutshell. It’s silly, meaningless, and fairly awesome if you take it for what it’s worth. “London Bridge” just feels like a mediocre actress pretending to be … in her own words, a hoe. Oh s**t!