Absolutely awful number-one songs of the 2000s
By Jonathan Eig
4. “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent (featuring Olivia) (2005)
“I’ll take you to the candy shop – I’ll let you lick the lollipop.” I told you we were in the vulgar part of the countdown. Actually, those are the first lines 50 Cent raps in “Candy Shop,” but they really aren’t vulgar. They’re seductive. I know this because just before he utters them, he tells us he is “so seductive.” I’m grateful that he cleared that up.
“Candy Shop” is a fairly mundane groove underneath a series of sexual double entendres that could be written by a seventh grader. An advanced seventh grader perhaps. Not just a typical dumb kid. One that has listened to a lot of rap braggadocio and is clever enough to write lines like “After you work up a sweat, you can play with the stick – I’m trying to explain the best that I can – I’ll melt in your mouth, girl, not in your hand.” That kind of seventh grader.
I suppose it was gallant of 50 Cent to credit Olivia on the track. She doesn’t have much to do but repeats the distaff version of the hook after he has done the male side. It’s not really much of a part.
It's not really much of a song either. Just a series of graphic metaphors for doing it. 50 Cent doesn’t even seem all that interested. His delivery is oddly subdued. I guess that’s what he means by seductive. Just two years earlier, he had hit number one a couple of times, including with his signature song “In Da Club.”
The gulf between “In Da Club” and “Candy Shop” rivals Eminem’s duo of chart-toppers mentioned above. I hope I’m not just being a prude here. I mean, I can listen to Bloodhound Gang all day. (OK, not all day. No one can. But an hour, no problem.)
Maybe more to the point, about a year after “Candy Store,” D4L surprised the world by taking “Laffy Taffy” to the top. “Laffy Taffy” is silly and vulgar – it even name-drops “Candy Store” in the middle. But it’s kind of fun and dare I say, almost joyful. So was “In Da Club.” But “Candy Store?” That’s just cynical. And that renders the obvious vulgarity irredeemable.