Ten worst number-one songs of the 1990s

6. “ROMANTIC” by Karyn White (1991)

Karyn White is the only female vocalist on this list. The rest is a boys club. Women were making great strides in conquering pop music during the 1990s, and I suppose the most positive way to view White is as an example of equality. She proved that women could have outsized success with boring, mundane music just like the boys could.

Late in the ‘80s, White was putting out some fairly generic dance music. It was competent, but only modestly successful. In 1991, she put out yet another dance album with some modest tracks, but one of them – the lead track – exploded. It had lyrics that barely qualified – “Ooh, baby baby – I want to get romantic – Ooh, turn the lights down – It’s time to get romantic.”

This is essentially a newer dance version of Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” with none of Olivia’s kind of dorky charm. Or Barry White without the seductive languor. This is essentially a soft-centered anthem in which a woman is giving instructions to her “baby.” It mostly comes off as bossy and redundant, which granted, may match many a listener’s experience of the “romantic.” But I can’t think of many songs that are less inherently romantic than “Romantic.”

5. THE R KELLY BODY OF WORK

We come to the first of our decade-achievement awards with the most problematic figure of ‘90’s pop. Robert Sylvester Kelly is currently serving 31 years in prison on a variety of charges centered on the sexual abuse of minors over many years when he was a hit-making machine for Jive and RCA. I admit, I have a hard time separating the musician from the felon, but I will try.

“You Are Not Alone” (1995) was Michael Jackson’s final number-one record as a solo performer. It is also the most lifeless song he ever recorded. R. Kelly wrote it. “I’m Your Angel” (1998) is the dullest number-one song that Celine Dion was ever involved with. It’s an R. Kelly original.

Neither song, by itself, may be bad enough to land on this list. They’re both just kind of boring. But when you throw in Kelly’s first chart-topper of the decade, 1994’s “Bump n’ Grind,” Kelly seals his spot.

From his opening tortured grunting – “My mind’s telling me no – But my body, my body’s telling me yes” we should realize something is off. You have to hear those “body’s.” They are wrenched from his throat in an overly dramatic wail. The prelude ends with a downward waterfall on the word “confess” – as in “there is something I must confess.” (NOTE – this was never used in court against the singer). After that opening, the shift to the smarmy chorus about seeing nothing wrong with “a little bump n’ grind” makes for a very choppy transition into the oft-repeated chorus.

The remainder of the song – almost three minutes worth is mostly that same chorus which is just designed to grind any resistance from listener or romantic conquest into the dust. Would it be as icky if we didn’t know who R Kelly was? Maybe not. But it still wouldn’t be a good song. None of the three chart-toppers with which he was involved in the ‘90s was.