The title of this short primer is a joke. I don’t think anybody actually wants to program a yacht rock radio station. Yacht rock is, objectively, a bad thing. That’s true even if some of the songs that are featured may be good. Yacht rock can be catchy and pleasantly nostalgic, but in the end, it is basically to oldies music what the Chipmunks' “Christmas Don’t Be Late” is to Christmas songs.
But I don’t judge. (That’s a joke too – I judge all the time. I mean, I write about music for god’s sake.) With that in mind, I am here to help you if you do, in fact, want to program an evening of yacht rock, perhaps at a party for friends you don’t especially like.
You see, for some masochistic reason, I recently took it upon myself to tune into my SiriusXM yacht rock channel to see if I could expand my musical horizons. After a few hours of listening, my horizons remain unchanged. But I did learn quite a bit. And I now share the rules that I learned with anyone interested.
The ten rules for programming a perfect yacht rock playlist
First and foremost, there is the overarching principle of yacht rock. This is not one of the rules. It is simply the oxygen that feeds the concept.
Yacht rock is the only popular musical genre I know of which very consciously belittles itself. Listen to the promos on Sirius. They are delivered in the cheesiest of Thurston Howell III voices. (And yes – Thurston Howell III is an appropriate descriptor because yacht rock fans are either old or else old souls who get the reference.)
Those promos go out of their way to be annoying and obnoxious. The intent is clear. Yacht rock is a joke and we who listen to it are in on said joke. We can laugh at how vapid it all is without admitting that we may have vapid tastes. We are not trapped in a syrupy soft rock past. We are smart enough to get the irony.
Thus, the overarching principle is you should make fun of the very music you are playing as often as possible to reassure your audience that they are not tragically unhip for actually liking it.
Now, on to the specific, highly practical rules that I gleaned from just a few hours of listening.
Never play a song with a guitar solo if you can find one with a sax solo instead
In the hierarchy of instruments on a classic yacht rocker, it goes like this: Sax, synths, piano, assorted other horns, acoustic guitar, electric guitar. And if you really want push the envelope, look for instruments that are diametrically opposed to rock & roll. Case in point, Kenny Loggins’ “I Believe in Love” actually features a soprano recorder riff.
Every fifth song should have absolutely nothing to do with “rock”
Rule one is part of a more meta rule. Though the genre is called “yacht rock,” “rock” is a MacGuffin. It is just there to suck you in. Sure, you can expect to hear some rock songs on a yacht rock playlist. Most are soft rock – the defining sound of the genre – and some may even rock a wee bit harder.
But don’t let that stop you from liberally sprinkling in something like Al Jarreau’s “We’re in This Love Together.”
Play Christopher Cross at least once every hour
And don’t confine yourself to “Sailing.” That should only pop up once every three hours or so. I heard “All Right” when I was listening, which starts off sounding like “Thunder Island” but quickly gets worse.
Don’t shy away from the “yacht” in yacht rock
Speaking of “Thunder Island,” songs that actually hint at the existence of water are entirely acceptable. Maybe one in every ten songs should hint at some H2O. I even heard “Ride Captain Ride,” which I think is a pretty good tune.
Play a good song at a 1:5 ratio
“Ride Captain Ride” isn’t exactly a banger, but on a yacht rock playlist, it kind of rules. (You’ll have to excuse me for a moment – I left Christopher Cross’s “All Right” playing as I continued writing, and the wretchedly soft-core outro has been going on for what feels like three weeks. I need a moment to compose myself.)
Thanks – I’m better now. The simple point of this rule is that yacht rock is not all bad. Just mostly bad.
If an artist has some good tunes – or even pleasantly unobjectionable ones – go for his more annoying stuff whenever possible
Speaking of the former rule, it definitely feels like yacht rock programmers go out of their way to choose the worst popular songs in any given artist’s playlist. The Kenny Loggins and Christopher Cross examples already mentioned should be proof of that. But if you want more, I heard “Georgia” by Boz Scaggs. I had to listen to John Hiatt’s “Georgia Rae” like ten times to wash away the aftertaste.
Play “Escape” every half hour
“Escape,” known to most listeners as “The Pina Colada Song” is the primordial text of yacht rock.
And TV Theme songs are also fair game
I heard “WKRP in Cincinnati” in my few hours of listening, but I happen to know that “Greatest American Hero” is the alpha theme in the yacht rock universe. If you need something big to bring the evening to a close, might I suggest “As Long As We Got Each Other.” The poor grammar in title is as punk as yacht rock gets.
When all else fails, there’s always Toto
Toto is a legit rock band. But they were so much less. They were as homogenized as possible – quality session players without the slightest hint of attitude. They could play a catchy hook that meant absolutely nothing. What is more yacht rock than that?
Always remember, rock has nothing to do with it
I know I kind of said this already, but I think it is important enough to bear repeating. However, if you think I am shortchanging you on the rules, I’ll throw in this one for free.
One of the best ways to build on the campy nature of the entire genre is to occasionally – not all the time, mind you – but occasionally pronounce “yacht” the way Charles Moore does in the 1942 classic screwball comedy The Palm Beach Story. It starts with a ‘Y” sound and rhymes with “hatchet.”
Happy yatcheting to you all.
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